Friday Funnies

Let's Talk About Sex Baby!

Dec 08, 2023

Amy’s trip down memory lane:

After I was outcast in my Ohio college to the rich kids private dorm hall due to being “psychologically incompatible with others,” I obviously went about making new friends who understood me. In that all female residence hall this mostly ended up being the foreign exchange students.

Karen (who was not a Karen at all) was a lovely British lass who always had tea and time for everybody’s drama. She was older at 27, and was even handed and sympathetic. God do I miss her tea with milk and crumpets. She had a Pisces boyfriend over in England, a sensitive drummer in a band who couldn’t quite commit.

Rachael, meanwhile, hailed from Ghana and dressed every bit the part of an African princess. Her skin color was black black and she was very proud of her roots. She noticeably bristled at anyone who was so dim as to think that she was African American and would toss down in her perfectly clipped British English at the notion. The two of them got invited to all of the best fraternity parties and I tagged along sometimes.

We went to this off campus party in Columbus, Ohio which was being hosted by some bigwig. I think he was an Ohio State kid though I don’t really remember. Let’s call him FatAss Hunter. Booze was freely flowing and FatAss Hunter got to talking to me. Within five minutes he was already talking about his bedroom upstairs and how we needed to make the conversation private.

“I have a boyfriend.” I said, referring to my high school sweetheart in Toledo.

FatAss Hunter seemed uncomfortable. After what felt like minutes of silence I said “Well you can still talk to me!”

“I’m sorry but what is the point? If you have a boyfriend what is the point of having a conversation with you?” FatAss Hunter said.

I stood up instantly. “Karen I want to get out of here.” I told my friend who was driving. “We’re leaving.” My friend, thank God for her school marm sensibilities, understood enough of the situation and grabbed the keys.

A young woman tried to talk us out of it as I headed for the door. “You realize that his father is the DA?” She said frantically to try to make amends. I didn’t even know what the fuck a DA was back then. “He’s running for Congress!”

“I don’t give a shit. He’s an asshole.” I spat back at her. The next day I had the worst hangover I have ever had to this day 25 years later. I was dry heaving all morning and afternoon. I sometimes wonder if FatAss Hunter and Co roofied the drinks. I mean his Daddy was running for Congress and all.

I saw this Brownstone article regarding sexual restrictions during the Covid pandemic. More than anything it makes me wonder what our beloved politicians were up to behind closed doors:

“In New York City, police violently assaulted people on the street for failing to obey mandatory facemask edicts. But at the same time, the city government gave its approval to “glory holes” for sex with strangers. The New York City Health Department urged people to “be creative with… physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face-to-face contact.”

The health department also recommended that people who organize orgies should “Limit the size of your guest list. Keep it intimate.” The health department did not specify whether “intimate” meant more or fewer people than a rush hour subway car.

In September 2020, federal judge William Stickman condemned Pennsylvania’s Covid restrictions: “Broad population-wide lockdowns are such a dramatic inversion of the concept of liberty in a free society as to be nearly presumptively unconstitutional.” But politicians ignored his ruling. Shortly before Thanksgiving 2020, Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf decreed that anyone visiting people in other homes must wear a mask. But laxer rules applied for non-dinner guests.

The Pennsylvania Department of Health issued a “Safer Sex and COVID-19” guide “if you attend a large gathering where you might end up having sex.” “Might end up having sex” sounded akin to an act of God beyond the control of anyone present. That was a more flexible standard than government officials used for almost any other activities in daily life during the lockdowns.

While Governor Wolf sought to ban any unmasked people in others’ homes, Pennsylvania health bureaucrats politely suggested that orgy attendees “limit the number of partners” and “try to identify a consistent sex partner.” Consistently what? The Philadelphia Board of Health urged prostitutes to “shower thoroughly after each client and change clothes” and wash hands “with soap and water for at least 20 seconds.” But small business owners were not allowed to keep their stores open no matter how long they washed their hands.”

What exactly have these assholes been up to all of these years? Never let them forget.