Health Canada has Approved Three Shots on Eight Mice
A Satire Piece
Great news, folks! Health Canada has approved Moderna’s Omicron Covid bivalent booster, the shot for the ba4 and ba5 subvariants. Now there is a catch, sadly. In order to get in line for the newest, greatest shot, you need to already have had at least two doses of the prior shots, which are no longer useful against any common real world strain of Covid.
That might seem odd but it is is similar to Health Canada’s recent advice that people should not consume more than two alcoholic drinks per day, unless they already have, at which point it doesn’t matter anymore. I said this is satire, right?
“Canadians should remember that keeping their drinking moderate is an important part of maintaining overall health and is necessary for avoiding liver problems,” Dr. Harry Edo told reporters in anticipation of the guidelines rollout. “But hey, if you have a buzz on, then you might as well keep it going.”
“Our thinking on the matter is that one shot is definitely most dangerous.” Said Dr. Expertise regarding the Covid vaccines. “This is followed by two shots. But once you get to three or more, we believe some part of your body shuts down to mitigate the harm. By the time you get to four you are near invincible to death. By five you are talking in tongues. By six or more we think you should be able to see God.”
Dr. Expertise said that additional jabs would be a good thing. “I mean our most recent Covid vaccine for the Ba 5 variant was tested on eight mice, and even their antibodies are all over the board and they got Covid anyways, but there’s less in the lungs. So if we take the results of those eight mice out to millions of humans you’d probably need at least two of these Ba5 shots to be sure you get any protection at all. I’m sure these folks can take it though. They’ve been wearing double facemasks and goggles and shields and haven’t been in public except for doctor’s appointments and Covid tests in over two years. Clearly they can take any level of emotional, physical, or psychological trauma for this cause. They are superhuman. Or should I say, transhuman?” He chuckled.
Dr. Expertise was then asked about strategies to get more shots. “Well obviously you should hide the number that you or your child have already had. Two is the perfect number of shots to say in these cases. You need to seem corrupted and realistic already, or else you might get too many questions. But you don’t want to seem overenthusiastic for your next fix. I’d suggest that you swap burner phones with your ArriveCan details or perhaps even go back to paper and pencil copies of your old shots. You might have to drive a few provinces over and change your ID numbers around a bit, but really, these things should have been available months ago. You’re a freedom fighter in this.”
Dr. Expertise was asked what the unjabbed should do to get this new shot. “It’s a fascinating area of study. Some of these people took every shot offered in years past, and then they climbed onto the wagon with this one for some reason. Now some of those folks swear they’ll never take another shot again, ever. They got all religious about it. A few were teetotalers all along, but we like to ignore those crazies as a fringe minority. Now we’ve been trying to overcome this, and we’ve got a lot of money to see what strategies work. But we think compromising them the first time has to come into play. It’s like how the first time you smoke a cigarette it tastes awful, right? Maybe the second time is worse but you’re getting the idea now? We have to get them used to that terrible feeling before they accept how they need it to make sense of the world anymore.”
Dr. Expertise warned about conspiracy theories. ‘Obviously our southern neighbor is trolling people with their Star wars themed dark lord routine.” He chuckled. “Really we’ve been trolling you all along!!! I mean eight mice who still got Covid? Are you even listening anymore? It’s all like amen and all hail. Or should I say Heil?”
“Well obviously you should hide the number that you or your child have already had." no joke. here in nyc they were giving out $100 per shot. junkies would go back for 8, 9 shots. now instead of doing the slo-mo junkie dance you see them in what looks like full grand mal writhing on the sidewalk
Loved it ! Watch the line ups in Canada - our mice are a different breed than those in the study. They have a sheep gene hiding in plain sight.